This is going to be brutally honest but I just want you all to know that it's because of you that I am still here and alive right now....
As some of you know, this past year has been incredibly difficult for me. I've been pouring my blood sweat and tears into this project for the last 3 years only to come to the conclusion that I've gone nowhere with my music "career". I literally can't support myself. I never wished for millions of dollars, fancy cars, or mansions- I had simply hoped that I'd be able to make enough money from my music that I could afford to rent a studio apartment and feed myself- but even that is unrealistic at the moment.
I felt like a failure because I worked so hard for 3 years to "make it" with my music, banging my head into brick walls over and over again- even sacrificing relationships and friendships which I still regret to this day. I got to a point where I thought that I was unsuccessful because I was not making money from my music. That lead to some pretty severe depression which I tried to fix by self medicating myself. I was starving and I couldn't afford heat which lead to health problems, and all I wanted to do was give up. I went years where every single morning I would wake up and have to talk myself out of killing myself...
And for this I apologize. I'm sorry I let myself get to this point of utter despair. I'm sorry that I let money become the measurement of success- money is meaningless. I'm sorry that I lost hope. I'm sorry for all the crazy, stupid, or hurtful things I've said or done to anyone- please forgive me if I have. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to realize that I was becoming like the very people who's greed and hate affected my life. But I now realize that my success is evident in all of YOU, the fans, in the love that you give. "Hate is not conquered by hate: hate is conquered by love" and I'm thankful that you all have helped me to see this.
Yes it's true that I'm dead broke. Yes it's true that after 3 years, my music makes no money. Yes it's true that I decided to give up music for good. Yes I was severely depressed. Yes, I developed a substance abuse problem. Yes I thought myself into a suicidal hole that I couldn't get out of. Yes it's true that some people/ record labels screwed me over really badly. Yes I almost starved to death. Yes I've wrecked my body and my mind pretty badly. Yes I nearly died. Yes I was hospitalized. Yes I spent time in the psych ward. Yes, I've made a lot of mistakes. Yes there have been plenty of negative people in my life/ career that may have contributed to my loss of faith in humanity, but ultimately I have no one else to blame other than myself. I did this to myself, and only I am responsible. I'm sorry that I let myself get to this point, and I'm sorry that I let myself lose faith in humanity and myself.
I understand if people think I'm "crazy" or whatever. I honestly don't care what people think of me. I've hit rock bottom. I know I have problems and I'll be the first one to admit it. I'm being totally honest and open here- I'm messed up. But I want you all to know that I have changed my mind, I've chosen to live, I'm working on restoring my health and stabilizing myself. I've finally come to accept my situation and everything that has happened. I've also decided that I actually want to continue making music again.
What changed my mind you might ask? YOU, the fans, friends, and family- you who are the only thing getting me through this difficult time. It's the overwhelming love and support from the fans that keep me going. I'm amazed at how loving and generous you can be. I am so lucky and undeserving to have such loyal fans. There are people out there that have never even met me but care for me and treat me like family- it brings tears to my eyes. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize this, but YOU have changed my mind and life for the better and made me see that there's still beauty in the world. My fans, friends, and family are the only reason that I'm alive right now, and because of this I feel indebted to you.
I want you all to know that I am recovering and doing much better now thanks to all of you. I have also decided to finish the 60+ incomplete songs that I've been working on for the last 3 years. I've decided I'm going to finish what I started because all of you have shown me that it's worth doing. I'm going to finish this music for YOU, money or no money, because I owe it to you.
And so I am retreating into my "studio" to record like a mad man and I won't come out until I've finished what I started. With that said, please know that I am going to be extremely busy- and if you write to me and I don't respond for a while, it's not because I don't care or that I'm ignoring you, it just means that I'm busy working on new music to fill your ears with (I still have messages from 4 months ago that I'm trying to respond to and I'll try and get back to every single one of you but it may take time). So if you don't hear from me for a while, please don't be alarmed or saddened, it just means I'm busy recording new music for you... and that's something to be happy about!
Life is not worth living unless there is beauty and love within it- and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes and showing me the love and beauty which I was blind to for so long.
Love,
Brandon
10 comments:
Brandon, all the best to you, and keep up all the beautiful music. Sounds like you've been through a lot, and if there's anything any of us can do, let us know -- whether by donating some $$ or buying CDs directly from you. Can't wait to hear the new material! Stay strong, healthy, and safe. Take care of yourself.
David
Agreed! Take care of yourself! I saw you perform at the little DNA Club in SF and fell in love with you! You've inspired me many many days with your music and you definitely deserve to feel that love and inspiration right back. I'm glad you recognized all the support out there for you. Keep giving and you will keep getting.
Hugs,
Maral
Brandon,
I'm quite relieved to hear that you have restrained yourself from taking your own life. I've been down that road myself, albeit without the substance abuse and for an entirely different reason. I'd be more than happy to pay for any music you release in the future (super stoked for 'B-Sides & Other Missed Opportunities' EP!), because your music is beautiful; I listen frequently, because it is so - and it serves as a great accomplice to my daily runs. Even though you're a busy bee, I hope to receive a letter in my mailbox, postmarked in Santa Fe (if you do, send me a Facebook message beforehand - I'm in the same city, but at a different apartment). Do take care of yourself, and if there is anything I can do for you, let me know. For although we have yet to meet, you are like family to me, I'd say.
Darcy I.
Looking forward to liastening the 60+ songs then ;)
take your time anyway !
Hey Brandon, remember you are my brother! So you know that means you always have a place to stay where ever i am. It was really good for me getting to hang out and show you around the city a little bit. Make sure to get out here when ever you need to recharge!
Chris DP
Brandon -
I don't know you, clearly, but your music has been a part of my life, therefore I owe you a mountain of thanks. I send my heart to you on this chilled October wind, hoping you find some warmth in it. Keep your head up, this world really is beautiful.
Hey !!!!
Your awesome music traveled millions of kilometers to arrive to me, here in México !!
At first i found your picture in google, and i said: what a beautiful man he is !!!
Later i search for a bigger image to put it in my desktop, and i found that you were a musician.
When i found some songs, i inmediately fell in love with your music. So i really really send you my best wishes, so you can recover your health and be strong again.
You are a inspiration for my boyfriend and me, because we want to be musicians because we like music, not because of fame or fancy things.
I really really hope you read this, and the messages that other people left here to you.
The best wishes for you,
from Cometa Guavaberry, from Mexico.
Silence will be golden then, knowing you are doing your art, and Brandon, how many darlings out there felt a failure for not being self-sustaining with their art, and how many of them were simply in really difficult circumstances, externally and internally...it's a wonder to see one such artist be able to imagine he is not a failure, no matter the results of his labor, of his love. I guess we are lucky then, these days, for people who admire you so much, as I do, and buckets of others do, to be able to let you know it, from far away and without ever having met. So happy that you have the strength to see and accept the respect and love from people you have made a difference to with your music. I'm with you, we are with you. Silence is golden as long as you are ok, and weathering storms. Please take care of you as much as you can. There is some darling poem by Donne, about how we are all tied together, I'm sure you know it, it is maybe too sombre, but also makes a sweet and true point....the smallest thing that happens to you affects so many, it is hard I think to realize the ripples from one person's life and struggles and gifts, how much the ripples are felt, far and wide. Thanks for accepting love, it's really a strong brave thing. I hope you don't blame yourself for any of your hardships, even if see your own self contribute and even sometimes it seems create them. We all do the best we can with the tools we have, and sometimes, for a while, the tools are not sufficient. I suppose then we fall down, and fashion new tools for ourselves, with help and love from others, and with love for ourselves from ourselves.
All the very very best to you, take all the time you need to do things just the way you want, we're in it for the long haul.
Jennifer
Your music is beautiful. Lots of people listening. My kids love it, my neighbor loves it, coworkers..continue
http://indiegalia.blogspot.com/2011/08/indiependente-support-brandon.html =)
Brandon can i be a litle selfish? Please dont stop bring so much colour and happyness to my life...your music damm...it really works and makes me a better person!! So thanks for that, for all your art, and come back soon. Take care yourself.
Love from Portugal!
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